I do!!

Yesterday my hubby and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. I always love date nights, I still tend to spend too much time getting ready and trying on a million different outfits, all for that one look from my husband. I would be lying if I said I was one of those girls who always is put together. You know the one that even in sweats looks like she may have walked off the page of a magazine? Ya that is NOT me! I work in an office with one other person, and sometimes no one at all. I always wonder if my boys childcare provider thinks I even have a job because I drop them off with no makeup and a sweatshirt on. But anyway, I digress....

I started thinking about the last 6 years hubs and I have spent together. Well almost six but it's close enough to count. I remember spotting him through a window and telling a girlfriend I was going to marry him. Little did I know I actually would. :) I think of the things we've gone through, the good times, the rough times, the rich and the poor. And do you know what my favorite thing I realized yesterday?

I would do it all over again.

Hubs and I met when we were 20. I remember being told that people change a lot in their 20's, and I can say that I think we have. Together. I can say that the man I am married to today is not the same man he was the day I met him. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course he drives me crazy some days, and he still leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. But he is more kind, and patient, and wise, and funny, and handsome today then he was then. He knows my idiosyncrasies, my passions, and fears, my annoying habits, and he loves me regardless. He usually remembers to clothes the shower curtain, and to straighten the sheets before bed, and he folds towels the right my way.

This is the day he asked me to marry him :) That blur in the background is my hero Reba. Yes, my fabulous hubby got down on one knee in front of a sold out concert and asked me to marry him (thanks to some help from some fabulous friends of mine!), and I said yes (obviously).

Since that moment we have welcomed to beautiful boys into this world, and we are patiently awaiting the arrival of our sweet daughter, we have bought, gutted, and completely remodeled a home, I have completed my bachelors degree, and hubby has worked his rear off to make it all possible. I.am.blessed.

The story of us has been quite a journey, a beautiful mess really, but I am ready for what the next years have in store for us because I know he is by my side every step of the way.

What kind of parent am I?

If I had a nickle for the number of times I have been asked what kind of parent I am, well I'd have a lot of nickles....

My answer as of late has simply been this, "um the best I know how to be." I'm not really sure why it is that we (especially as mom's) feel the need to be defined by a "parenting type". When P was born I was 21 years old and everyone, I mean EVERYONE felt the need to tell me exactly how to parent him so I wouldn't screw him up. What I am sad to report is that I was so completely concerned with what others thought that I followed their instructions blindly. I went into labor without knowing any of my rights, or understanding what it meant to give birth to a child. I smiled and nodded when my asshole doctor told me that apparently being in active labor for 8 hours was detrimental to my child and there was no choice but to push lots of drugs and have a c-section. I sat outside the door of my 3 month old sons room while he screamed to be held and comforted and I bawled. Not one of those little oh a tear has fallen but a full on ugly cry, with heaving sobs. All because I was told that I would be spoiling him if I went in and that would surely turn him into a needy brat. I let others tell me when he should have solids, when I should quit breastfeeding him, when he should be spanked, actually I can't think of any decisions I really made for myself. After all, I wanted to be a "good mom".

When we decided to start trying for baby #2 I prayed long and hard. I decided to start reading, I mean my whole life I had been known for being "book smart" and yet when it came to my child I didn't think twice about looking into the choices I was making for him. One day I had this fabulous moment of clarity. One that in the movies everything around you freezes and turns into shades of black and gray so that only the important things stand out. It happened while P was fast asleep, the moment I realized that I wasn't being the parent I wanted to be regardless of if it looked right to everyone else. I walked into his room, scooped him up in my arms and promised him that I would be the mom to him that I knew how to be. I told him that it would be far from perfect but I would love him with every ounce of me and we would figure it out together. And then I cried which woke him up and nap time was shot for the day, talk about a great first step right!

Now, that I look back over the last four years I can say that my parenting "style" is drastically different then it once was. I am now a cloth diapering, baby wearing, co-sleeping, hugging, holding, parent. When my boys act out we talk about why they feel the way they do and how it affects those around them. We take twice as long to go through a grocery store so we can see and smell and talk about things. I still get frustrated but I don't spank them simply because that is what I am "supposed" to do. Don't get me wrong I believe without a doubt that my children should grow up to be respectful and polite and anyone who knows me can say that I have refused to give my boys something if they cannot ask the right way. But we talk about things, we hug, and sometimes we yell at the top of our lungs (in a "I'm overwhelmed and just need to yell"). I'm sure when my children are grown they will indeed be messed up because of something I did along the way. But at least now I can say that I'm truly giving them the best I have. Some days that means they see me break down, but I want them to know I'm human.

And in the midst of it all I have opened myself up to criticism. Which is a hard pill to swallow some days. But as we prepare to welcome baby #3 into the world I feel like I'm stronger in who I am; as a woman, a wife, and as a parent. Even in my colossal failures I know that I'm giving it all I've got, and that I don't have to have a parenting type to be a good mom.

Happy Tuesday :)

Our journey with SPD

 I feel the need to share my son with the world. I guess mostly because in sharing our struggles I feel like maybe there is one other mom out there who might say, "wow I'm not alone!" This is largely the way I have felt for the last four years. But before I get in to that let me introduce you to my son.

This is my son, I call him my bear. We will refer to him as P for all intensive purposes. He is four going on 18 most days. He was speaking in full, clear sentences by the time he was 17 months old and was explaining life things to me long before I thought he could even comprehend words like ridiculous and absurd. This little boy can take toys apart and put them back together and explain to you why it works and how it could be improved to do more things. He blows my mind at how his little brain works and the things he remembers. Someone told me to write down the things he does because one day I would forget. Now I look back at those things to remind me how blessed I am to be given the child I was, and how I desire to be his advocate in life and the best mom I can be.



When we brought P home from the hospital we were amazed by his determination. He knew right away what he liked and what he didn't. And he wasn't shy about telling us. To be honest I thought that everyone's baby's were the same. We couldn't go to stores in a different order then what I had told him, I couldn't run up to him and swoop him up in my arms without him having a melt down. He would fight me over the clothes he was wearing, the way his socks fit, changing his diaper. My mom said he was "strong willed"  and everyone told me that I should feel blessed to have such a smart kid! Let me tell you, every time I heard this I wanted to poke them in the eye. Not because their intentions weren't kind, but because how do you come back with that and say, "well ya I wish he was just middle of the street, plain, ol' normal." That makes you sound like mom of the year...



It actually wasn't until P's little brother came along that I truly noticed that maybe what P was going through wasn't "normal". I mean his intelligence wasn't "normal" this was clear very early on, but it was our day to day dealings that just didn't add up. Someone told me it was because I wasn't strict enough, so I started spanking him more (this made things 10X worse). Someone else said it was because he wasn't around other kids, so I decided to go back to work so he could be in a child care environment. This worked while he was in a home center, largely because his caregiver was AMAZING and had experience working with special needs. She could handle him in ways that I didn't think were possible. She could redirect him, ask him to do things, even send him to timeout without fail. It was inspiring, and some days made me feel like a total failure. Then the summer drew to an end and we moved him in to a center that I thought was everything a childcare center should be. It was clean, and they said they used all of the same things we did at home! This center was a disaster and that's a whole other post.....It was while he was at this center though that I decided that this wasn't just him "being defiant", so I called STRIDE. This is the center here in town for development for kids from birth to five. Mind you we had gone and done his 1 before 2 evaluation at 20 months and when the woman asked him to sit in the chair and point to where his ears were he said, "I can't, I left them out there." Yes, this was my 20 month old....

While we were at his eval we met with four women in a nice and quiet room. They asked him lots of questions and played with him. We had to end the eval early because he felt too sick (this happens a lot when he is overwhelmed). They met with Nick and I both together and separately.  We both took surveys and were not allowed to look or answer together. They came to his childcare center and to our home to see how he did in different environments. I think even they had to be shocked at what a different kid he was there compared to at home. After a several week period they called and said they had his "results" ready. We met with C the counselor/social worker and one of the occupational therapists, and that is when they said it....

P has a disability.

I bawled. Partially out of relief that there really was something going on and mostly because I saw a flash of a hard life for him. A life full of people not understanding or wanting to understand what he was going through. And a hard life for me, as his mom. To be the advocate he needs and the mom he deserves. This day will be forever engrained in my memory, from the clothes I was wearing down to the smell of C's office. C handed me a tissue and began to go over the evaluation. The words were there in front of me, the way his teachers described him, "unable to play with children his own age, cannot switch activities, often acts out in defiant ways, can't do circle time, is a disruption". There is was, everything I never wanted to hear said about MY child. Wasn't parenting supposed to be butterflies and roses? Weren't my children never going to be the "bad" kids?

The explained to me what Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) was, pretty much the wires in his brain linking his sensory abilities together were in a traffic jam, and apparently lots of extremely intelligent kids deal with it. This was why he was scared of swings, had to wear tall socks, couldn't eat food at "normal" temperatures, why standing in a line made him panic. The list went on and on, he made sense to me for the first time in four years. You can imagine the amount of crying I did through this discussion. But I felt like I was given real hope. Not the band-aid kind of "oh he's just a boy" but genuine words of encouragement for him and for me.

So tonight is the open house for STRIDE. We are going to meet his teacher and begin what I'm sure will be one heck of a journey. But we've taken that first single step and my heart is so full of hope. Hope for the little boy that he is and the amazing man I know he will become, and hope for myself.

A New Adventure.....

Ladies and gentlemen it's official, Nick and I are HOME OWNERS!!!! We are thrilled to be embarking on this new adventure but a little scared because our home needs a M.A.J.O.R overhaul! We are hoping to have all the work done in 45 days and thought it would be fun to document where we started and where we end up. With that being said, here is our kitchen....

The section of wall Parker is working on will soon be gone and the opening will be walled off to create a "U" shaped kitchen.

We are redoing the cabinets, counters, flooring, and getting all new appliances!

Our dining room! The door leads to the mud room and the window you see will soon be replaced with a sliding glass door!

Well, there's a start! We are so excited and can't wait to show you pictures of our progress!

What a difference a week makes!

Well, today marks the end of our first week. And here is our progress...

Here is the start of our bathroom expansion! We will soon have a double sink and double the size of bathroom we originally had! The floors in here were two layers leno with a layer of sheet rock over that (yes sheet rock on the floor, weird right?) on top of that was another two layers of peel and stick tiles and a few coats of white paint...we still need to get the rest of the tile down and put up new drywall and tear out the toilet, tub, and vanity.

Our kitchen! Or what used to be a kitchen :) Goodbye cabinets, old closet and all THREE layers of leno on the floor. The bottom layer was put on with roofing tar, let me tell you how fun that was to get up! Soon the two entry ways you see will be walled off and the kitchen will be a "U" shape.

This picture gives you a glimpse of the ceilings that my hubby surprised me by scraping all of the popcorn off so I didn't have to! This was a veeerrry messy chore and he did a great job.

 I'm one lucky girl <3

This picture is what the sub floors look like now that they have been painted with KILLS paint. Soon we will do the same to the kitchen and dining room so that the floors are sealed and we can start fresh!

And last but not least..we got a new garage door, this is the old one and of course I forgot to snap a picture of the beautiful new one that is now in its place! And our new roof is going to be complete by tonight! It was a busy week but well worth it, we're almost ready to start putting it all back together!

Oh Valentine's Day

I must admit that I tend to feel as though Valentine's day is one of those consumer holidays that the card companies shove down our throats in hopes of increasing their revenue. Obviously they do a good job because holy cow do they make a lot of money! I'm one of those people that like the random acts of "I love you" but now that I have kids...

I seriously LOVE Valentine's day. There is something about pink and red paper, making crafts, and delivering Valentine's to people with Parker. Today's plan was to have the boys (Parker and Bradyn) make Valentine's and then deliver them around town during the day. Our plans hit a roadblock when poor Bradyn got sick so we had to revamp and attempt a new plan in the afternoon. Instead of our normal Valentine's day heart cookies we cheated and picked up Ileen's cookies (which are wayyyyy better than ours anyway) and went to deliver them. It was so fun to watch Parker deliver his cookies and tell people Happy Valmentine's (yes that is how he pronounced it). We ran short on time so we didn't get to deliver them all but it was a great lesson in giving and a great way to say thanks and I love you. I'm going to attempt to post pictures later of the project Parker made for Nick, it's adorable :)

Happy Valentine's Day to you and yours!

Why hello again :)

 I started this blog once ok twice before.... I keep thinking that I'm going to have something substantial to discuss. A way to define myself in a way besides that of "mom". You know when you can go out and not talk about how cool your kids are or the grossest thing they've done lately?

Well, I can do that. I just choose not to. At the end of the day the sun rises and sets in the eyes of the two beautiful boys who i'm lucky enough to call my own. So with that warning, my blogging will be about my family, because they are my everything. And this is my journey, the path I've chosen. Some days it is beautiful and somedays I swear it's like climbing up the side of a cliff with nothing to grab on to. But that is my life. Welcome to it :)